There’s Simply Not Enough Hours in the Day
It’s been a week since I’ve opened my feed reader and about the same since I last signed in to IM for longer than 2 minutes. My email client is only opened a couple times through-out the day and I have piles of stagnant emails dating back to June sitting in my inbox. I can’t recall the last time I had a conversation with a friend in the real world or even over the phone. WTF happened? Where did life go and why didn’t anyone tell me it was leaving? Shit, I would have baked a cake, had I known.
Seriously though, it’s almost to the point where I don’t know what to do with myself. Time is flying by and I can never seem to get everything done. I hardly do anything at all, outside of working and the daily family stuff. If it weren’t for my Xbox 360, I’d probably sit on my PC day and night. But at the same time, it’s almost painful to sit in this chair at times. Something’s definitely not quite right but I’ll be damned if I can put my finger on it.
Working mass hours is nothing new for me and in all honesty, I’ve put fewer hours in over the past month than any given month over the past couple years. I’ve got a lot more responsibility in regards to family stuff during the week as Deanna works evenings and I’m home with Hannah. She’s doing great with getting her homework done on her own, though. So that’s helped a lot and lets me plug away until it’s time to get dinner ready.
It’s strange being self employed. I recently booked my last project for 2006 – I should be totally stoked, right? Well, I’m not. It’s quite the opposite, actually. I feel as if I have this massive load on my back even though each project has sufficient time alloted and I even have some free time scattered through-out. It’s truly bizarre that I’m feeling the way I am. I’ve been in the opposite situation where I’ve only had one or two projects lined up and found that I was always worrying that I might not line up another one in time, and of course I would be in trouble financially. But thankfully that never happened. I’m pretty sure that a contributing factor is the fact that I can’t help people out with their projects for the foreseeable future. I’m filled with disappointment when I send a reply turning down a project. But the reason I can’t do is because I’m booked… so why do I feel disappointed? I’m totally baffled.
To stack another emotion onto the pile, I feel like I’m missing the boat big time. In what regard, I’m not entirely sure. I’m dying to redesign my site. I’m coming up on a year with this design (or variations of it, at least) and I feel like it appears to be held together with duct tape. Like I’ve tacked one too many things on and now it’s this cluttered mess. I want to do a complete overhaul and build it from the ground up with all of the sections and different types of content that I have now. When I built this one, I was basically just writing textual entries and didn’t have the whole design end. I just slapped that shit on after the fact and have pretty much ruined it with my latest round of changes.
Shit, how do I wrap this up? What am I looking for from you? I wish I knew. I didn’t even plan on writing this, it just kind of happened. Maybe I should keep this up in a series of posts – Memoirs of a Scatter Brained Freelancing Gamer. Anyway, I’m heading out of town this weekend for a few days and I seriously can’t wait to leave everything behind. I was going to take my Xbox 360, but I think I’m going to leave it after all. A complete change of pace is in need.